Governors Gone Wild!
You know, you just can’t make this stuff up! Sometimes these postings just write themselves. Today’s post is one of those. After slogging my way via the barely adequate Houston Metro bus system down to the VA Hospital this morning and back, I returned home not at all in the mood to write today. But Mrs. Jack greeted me – that would be the snarling, hungry me – at the door with the news of the day, and some news it was. As it unfolded on cable news, it brought to mind only one thing.
If you’ve ever been caught in the midst of insomnia, a rare but real thing for me, you have been pelted with the ridiculous ads for “Girls Gone Wild!” They’ve even got some called “Boys Gone Wild!” Now, these things appear to be videos taken of drunken young ladies – is “ladies” the right word? – and men willing to put on a little strip show for the video cameras, and I assume some cash. Now, I don’t really know how far these videos go because of two good reasons that have nothing to do with some sort of moral code. The first reason is that they want $29.95 plus S&H, which seems too expensive for me, and before I can commit to that extravagance in my budget, I always end up falling asleep quickly when the boring shows that run in the middle of the night resume. I guess that means that late-night television actually is a cure for insomnia. I’ll leave it to you to judge me for remaining awake during the “Gone Wild” commercials. I’m taking the Fifth on that one.
Anyway, I couldn’t help but think of those adverts when Assistant US Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald, stood before the microphone ripping yet another bandage off another political wound, exposing it for all to see. You may remember him from the Scooter Libby/Valerie Plame case where he was not able to pierce the veil of secrecy surrounding Vice President Dick Cheney and Karl Rove,
but brought the investigation close enough that there was little doubt about their involvement in any thinking person’s mind. Anyway, Fitzgerald has now brought us another episode in my newest political fantasy feature, “Governors Gone Wild.” It seems that Governor Rod Blagojevich (D-Illinois) has been a very busy crook lately and full of hubris. To top off all that has been learned about him in a three-year investigation that he knew about, he has now been caught
SELLING Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat because he is the only person in the world who gets to decide the appointment. Now, via this exciting videotape, he joins the rogue’s gallery including Governor James McGreevy (D-New Jersey), who hired his secret gay lover to be the state’s Homeland Security Director, thus pulling himself out of the closet. OUCH! And
there stood his sweet little wife at his side, like so many other sweet little political wives – can you say Laura Bush – as he admitted the whole thing. And how can we forget that tough-guy Governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, who got outed by his call girl. Oops! Aren’t they supposed to keep those dirty little secrets? In the age of 24 hour cable news and desire on the part of everyone to cash in on their own 15 minutes of fame, the answer to that question is no!
And don’t think that we only have dishonest men in this video. We’ve got our own little gal gone wild, Sarah Palin. You Betcha! Governor Palin (R-Alaska) still hasn’t owned up to abusing the power of her gubernatorial office by trying to get her ex-brother-in-law fired, and then firing the SOB who wouldn’t play along. That’s right! Even after a heavily Republican State Legislative Committee found that she did abuse her power, the hubristic Vice-Presidential candidate thanked them for clearing her name. Yeah, that’s a Governor gone way wild. Of course all those moralistic right wing nuts are waiting with bated breath for her 2012 run for the Presidency so that honor and integrity will be restored to Washington.
And if you order Governors Gone Wild in the next ten minutes, we have a bonus for you. That’s right, you’ll get Politicians Gone Wild for just the small shipping and handling fee. In this stunning companion video we will show you the moving confession and repentance of Senator David Vitter (R-Louisiana) for cheating on his wife with prostitutes. Of course, he barely made the cut
here because his Republican friends in the US Senate forgave him and helped him get re-elected. You’ll also see the exciting denial of Senator Larry “The Tap Dancer” Craig (R-Idaho) to the charges that he was attempting to hook up with an undercover police officer in the Minneapolis Airport for a little homosexual slap and tickle. Not only does the tape contain his denial of the act itself, it contains the bonus footage of Lawyer Craig asserting that he didn’t know what he was doing when he pled guilty to the crime. In one last bonus feature you will see the Minnesota Appellate Court’s denial of Craig’s appeal today.
Not to be overshadowed in the special “Republican Congressmen gone wild in a gay way department”, we add e-mail messages sent by Congressman Mark Foley (R-Florida) to under-age male Congressional Pages. Included is the latest video statement by Foley where he asserts that he isn’t a pedophile
because he only sent e-mails and “never touched those boys.” And no collection would be complete without the confession of Foley’s Democrat successor, Tim Mahoney, who announced just prior to the election that he had, indeed, been cheating on his good little wife. OMG! Another one bites the dust. I hope his Republican successor is a great deal more chaste or at least more careful. It seems that that seat has a hex on it.
In this post-Watergate, post-Monica-gate period, what could make a better Christmas present for that special person on your list? Or, of course, you could just let it be one of those “secret Santa” gifts to surprise someone at that horrible office party you have to go to this year. What fun you’ll have when that comes slithering out from under the company Christmas tree. Perhaps you just want to buy it for yourself to add to your dirty little secret collection you stash high up in the closet where the children can’t find it. Who would know?
There’s only one way to get “Governors Gone Wild!” Just send $29.95 plus $10.95 shipping and handling to “Governors Gone Wild” at the address below or call toll free at 1-800-POLITICIANS-SUCK. Call in the next ten minutes and we’ll include that free copy of “Politicians Gone Wild” for just $10.95 in additional shipping and handling. Don’t put it off. Call today, or you might fall asleep and forget.
This blog brought to you by: “Governors Gone Wild!”
KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT!